4:00 am Hope Tala

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 Senior year of high school isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Actually, my senior year has been very disorienting; with every breath and every hour that passes, there seems to be something to do, a deadline to meet, an essay to write, and new books to read. 

So I’ve been waking up at 0100 hours (1:00 am for 12-hour system enjoyers) lately to work on all the things I have on my plate. At first, this was working wonders, I began my day early, when everyone else was sleeping, and I was able to do all of my tasks. I could do my college essays, my CAS reflections, prep for the SAT and even study for my exams. But now things seem to be changing. The sound of the alarm more irritating, my legs more sluggish and my body sore. I now wake up, read my notifications (emails included), lie on the couch, stare at the house's decaying ceiling, and wonder if it's all worth it.

I think we’ve all reached a point where we ask ourselves if all our struggles are worthwhile. I’ve been asking myself this question a lot lately, especially when it comes to college applications.  I’m currently applying to universities in the United States, The United States is a staggering 14,354 kilometres away from my home town, and with each college essay I write, I find it quite absurd that most of my ambitions are dependent on institutions found miles away, in a country that owes me nothing. I have to put in all of this effort, yet at the end of the day, those institutions owe me nothing and can reject my application at the drop of a hat. Is this worth it?

After 15 minutes of staring at the ceiling and asking myself those questions, I sluggishly get from the couch and head to the dining room where I usually work. I stare at my laptop for a good 3 minutes and the questions start popping up in my head again but this time, I fight them off and actually do what I need to do. I'll work on schoolwork and other things for 3 hours from 0100 hours to 0355 hours, but when 0400 hours (4:00 am) arrives, the best portion of my morning routine begins. At 04:00 a.m., I abandon all work, put on my AirPods, blast Hope Tala, and begin to prepare for the day. 4:00 a.m. Hope Tala always feels different; it just takes me away from all my troubles and gives me the peace I so wholeheartedly yearn for.

Maybe I'm being overly gloomy, or maybe my sleep routine is catching up with me and making me see life in a twisted light. I agree with all of those remarks; I have it better than most people, and senior year of high school is only one year; things will improve. Will they, however? One of the reasons I've been wondering if it's all worth it is that senior year is only the beginning of this perplexing life. Things don't get better after this; in fact, they get worse. There are more things to accomplish after high school, more deadlines to meet, and more obligations to shoulder. Every time I think about my future, I imagine an extension of my current high school life: a life full of stress, concern, and an increasingly disorienting self attempting to balance all of these varying aspects. All of this work I'm doing doesn't feel like an answer; rather, it feels like a teleporter to a future that is identical to the one I have today. A future full of 1:00 am dread, with very little 4:00 am bliss.

I just want my existence to be like neverending 4:00 am Hope Tala but sadly, it doesn’t seem like it’s going to be. 

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