What does it mean to be a man?

 Whether we like it or not, a huge portion of our lives on earth is influenced by our genitals; something we do not have control of. I am talking about gender. All human cultures venerate gender and because of this gender moulds what is expected of people. Some people hate this aspect of gender, gender norms and roles can feel restrictive especially since one does not simply ask for his/her gender and the responsibilities that come with it, others believe gender is important, gender is deeply rooted in our biology and it sets the guidelines for a proper society.

In this blog article, I don't want to focus on gender and the politics around it, but rather on one of the questions that has lingered in my mind: "What does it mean to be a man?". I’m not sure how often people who identify as men think about this question, but I frequently ask myself this. Some of you may interpret my asking myself this question as an indication that I was struggling to define my masculinity and you’d be correct for thinking so. I live in a part of the world where gender is vital in determining one's identity yet only fits within a very restricted narrative. For most of my life, I haven’t fit into this narrative, this narrative of being a man and it has always troubled me.

I remember in my early years of primary school, people would mistake me for a girl. They'd say I was too pretty to be a boy. I remember one day when the teacher on duty was taking attendance and he asked all the boys to stand up, he asked me if I was a boy and I remember insisting that I was, but he just said "You look beautiful like a girl, not handsome like a boy though." It upset me so badly that I remember it to this day. I realised early on that I didn't fit into the usual masculine narrative, and I always strived to fit in even if it meant hurting myself. Fighting was the most macho thing to do in third grade, so I ended up participating in fights during recess to prove how manly I was, but this wasn't enough to sway people's opinions; people just thought it was amusing that I, the chubby kid, was willfully entering these fights.

I immediately realised what characteristics of my personality made me stand out from the typical masculine narrative. My introversion, lack of physical strength, and lack of participation in sports all contributed to me being deemed "not manly enough." This list developed with me as additional aspects were added, and it all peaked in the early puberty years. I was one of the youngest in my class and I hit puberty much later compared to my peers, the list at this point included; the softness of my voice, my small stature, the politeness of my speech, my inability to get a girlfriend and even my soft hands. At this time, I was weary of feeling like I could never fit into the stereotyped narrative, that I couldn't be as rough and tough as the rest of my friends, and I simply accepted it.

Secondary school came around and things started to change. The first two friends I made at secondary school were quite similar to me, they didn’t seem to fit the usual macho narrative but they did not look like they questioned their masculinity. They had a different narrative, one different from the one I’m used to. Being manly for them wasn’t being the biggest, baddest and strongest. It was about being funny, curious and genuine. I found myself fitting in this narrative and I felt like was in the right place. I also noticed a huge chunk of my new classmates did not fit into the narrative that was pushed onto me. Some thought being a man was about wealth and influence, others thought being a man was about having great athletic prowess and some thought being a man was about having a deep connection with God. Being a man was different for everyone and that opened the gates to see what type of man I wanted to be and I am continuing on my path to discover what it means to be a man.

In the past year or so, I’ve been intrigued by how some people on social media portray our modern-day as the “manpocalypse”, with many citing that all things manly have been encroached on and that men can’t be men anymore and what surprises me the most is the following such people have amassed. Many people do agree with them. Maybe my history with the idea of masculinity makes me feel like this point of view is flawed, I think we live in the perfect time to share our different narratives on what it means to be a man. A time to criticise and defend old notions of masculinity while also establishing new ones. The idea of masculinity is fluid, it depends on the person, time and space. The topic of masculinity shouldn’t be a topic that divides but rather one that unites; half of the human population is affected by the notion and has their own interpretation of it, we need to celebrate the nuance of this universal concept.

So, what exactly does it mean to be a man? I still don't know, and I doubt I ever will, but the more I think about the type of man I want to be, the more I find myself looking up to my grandfather, Pamphili Marijani. My grandfather was a significant influence on my personal growth, particularly during my adolescence. PJ seemed to be an ideal blend of the idea of masculinity that was instilled in me as a child and the other ideas I hold dear. My grandfather is inquisitive and smart, stern but caring, quiet but outspoken. I suppose living for 71 years helps define the man you want to be. I look up to him and aspire to one day be a decent man like him.

This blog post mostly concentrates on the aspect of masculinity but half of the population has to tackle the idea of femininity or other forms of gender orientations. I would to know how to gender has shaped your lives in the comments below. 

Thanks for reading and til the next time I write.